Blogging Hiatus - Part 2

And so it continues:

4-27-10: I heard the baby cry and I remember the anesthesiologists... well for lack of a better word, yell at the pediatric doctors to get baby boy to the operating table so I could see him, but I didn't get to see him, I was under general anesthesia, all went dark, but I knew my baby was okay. I woke up hours later in the PACU, the post anesthesia care unit, I could not move. My arms were immobile due to the needles placed in each one at the elbow, my legs were immobile due to the epidural and due to the fact that balloon catheters were placed in the arteries supplying blood to my uterus, which was now gone. I had been cut open from pubic bone to a few inches above my naval...

4-28-10: It's my anniversary. My nurse braided my hair because it was making me itch. I still haven't been to the NICU to see baby boy, he still doesn't have a name. I feel like I am willing my body to heal. I'm not one to meditate but I visualize my insides moving back to where they belong. I picture my incision fading away. But truthfully, not only am I physically unable to look at my incision, I am terrified to see what has been done to me. Murry visits with pictures of our little one, who is doing well.

4-29-10: It took me 36 hours but I am finally able to see baby boy who is now called Eli.

5-1-10: My discharge from the hospital is bittersweet. I am so happy to be going home to my Emron and my Murry, and let's face it, my bed. But I am leaving little Eli alone in the hospital, and I know better than most that there's really no place worse than hospitals, except maybe prison...

5-21-10: I've lost count of the number of discharge dates that have come and gone but today is the day that I've been dreaming of and praying for: Eli is coming home! If I were still pregnant I would be 38 weeks into my pregnancy, but I'm not and Eli has been with us, though not in our home, for four weeks. I most excited to not have to split my time between home and the hospital, or another way to look at it, between Emron and Eli with 80 minutes of drive time sandwiched in the middle. I cannot thank my friends and family enough, especially Emily, for helping with meals, cleaning and taking care of my big boy.

5-24-10: Because Murry has taken so much time off prior to Eli coming home, he's at work while I negotiate two little ones at the doctors office. I leave feeling like a super mom, a feeling that I'll soon learn only comes a goes!

6-29-10: Eli is getting bigger and bigger, and cuter and cuter! Emron loves his little brother... We still are sleeping, if you can call it sleeping, on pins and needles, listening for little Eli noises. Knowing he's my last little one makes me eat up our precious moments with a fervor I didn't know I had. Sweet, sweet Emron is on constant guard making sure my tummy doesn't hurt. He asks almost daily if I need to go back to the hospital. He tells me the doctors will make it better, I tell him it is better, but my heart still hurts when I think about my infertility.

7-15-10: It's my birthday! This is the first year I feel really old. The events of the last year still weigh heavily on me but I am so thankful to be home, with Eli. Everyone is healthy and happy and I love my little family of four. I also love being the princess of the house, because with a home full of boys, I'll always be the princess! Murry and I are able to go out for dinner without the boys for my birthday. It's a good break since adjusting to two little guys has been harder than I expected!

Blogging Hiatus - Part 1

The words for this post have been bumping around in my head for some time now but when I sit down to write the words are lost and it doesn't come out the way I want. So I continue to postpone my re-entry to the blogging world, but not today. With the house clean and the boys asleep it's time and lets face it reviewing the last year will probably do more good than harm. So I conclude this paragraph to give you excerpts from the last year had I written during that time:

1-19-10: Doctors appointment today, follow up on some irregularities from our gender ultrasound. After two and a half hours on the table I'm taken to the "counseling room" where it's revealed I have a condition called placenta acreta and it's one of the worst cases the doctor has seen. The only way to insure a safe delivery for me and our baby boy is to do a c-section followed by a hysterectomy. Sobs well up from the deepest crevasses of my soul. I'm only 26. I'm a good mom. I'm statistically very unlikely to be issued this sentence, for that's what it feels like, a life changing sentence. And what about the baby, my last baby...

2-5-10: We've found a new place to live, woohoo!

2-10-10: I meet with my new doctor, my high risk pregnancy doctor and I like him. His British accent is the most noteworthy thing about him, that and the fact that he is one of the nations foremost experts on my condition. Baby boy is going to have to be delivered six weeks early and will almost certainly spend some time in the NICU. My surgery will be pretty intense but Dr. Hull knows exactly what he's doing. I apologize to Murry for not being able to give him a daughter though I know I am grieving more than he is.

3-17-10: My heart is still so full and tears come quickly when I think about baby boy and about me and about the risk we both face. But today is a day for Emron -- two years old! Where has the time gone. Emron is so sweet, so smart and so caring. It's hard to believe how much he's grown.

4-4-10: Easter morning and there are no eggs hidden, no visits from the Easter bunny. Instead I've landed myself in the hospital and it looks like I'll have to be monitored for the remainder of the week. Baby boy is only 31 weeks, a few weeks past the age of viability, but if we needed to deliver he would be in great risk. Emron was woken up at 5 this morning and picked up by a friend. I wonder what he thinks about this. I hope he's okay.

4-6-10: I want to go home. I miss my Emron, my Murry. The hospital has to be one of the worst places to be.

4-7-10: I didn't plan on celebrating Murry's birthday in the hospital. Thank goodness for friends! Luis and Irma brought in a card for me to sign and best of all, carrot cake for us to eat! Emron thought it was the best day ever, he had Taco Bell for lunch, since mommy was in the hospital, and cake for dinner. What a score! The day would have been much better if a discharge date was looming, but for now we just wait.

4-9-10: Today I get to go home and the arrival of family is right around the corner. Monique is coming, Lori is coming, Jen is coming. I'm determined to make it 34 weeks; to get baby boy here as safely as possible. I still feel an ache deep inside when I think about the outcome of the birth. Yes, I'll be gaining a baby but he'll be the last baby I'll ever have. However, I've decided to concentrate on staying out of the hospital and keeping our littlest one out of harms way.

4-15-10: Back in the hospital, I'll be here for the duration. My surgery is scheduled for the 27th, I guess I'll have about five days to recovery then what... I don't know how the baby will be doing, but hopefully we'll be done with this pregnancy and this place soon.

4-17-10: Emron brought me Puppy Doggy to sleep with while I'm at the hospital. He asks me every time he visits if I am coming home with him. We have to explain over and over that my tummy hurts but that it will be better soon. Emron enjoys listening to baby boy's heartbeat on the monitor. He mimics the lub dub sounds and it makes him giggle. I miss that boy. His world has been turned upside down but he seems to be coping well. I can't wait to sleep in my own bed in my own home with my Murry and my Emron close by.

4-26-10: Tomorrow is the big day. If I'm honest with myself I know I am afraid for my life. The doctors have given the impression time and time again that baby will be fine but that I am in grave danger. I've signed a release that releases the hospital and it's staff from any liability if I die. I've signed paperwork that details what I want done with my remains and denotes who will make decisions for me if I become unable. This is not light stuff. Murry is staying the night with me and I find myself clinging on to him praying it won't be the last time I see him. I try to play strong, but I am scared...