How You've Grown, Emron!

Happy Birthday Emron Dear!

My Emron,

You've just had another birthday and now you are three! I've been meditating on all the things that make you you and want to put my thoughts down in writing. It's my hope that when you're older you will read my letters and gain a sense of who you were when you were little. So without further ado:

We've had one crazy year! Mommy in the hospital, an addition to our family, lots of house guests, a trip to Colorado. Throughout the changes and adventures you've remained my little ball of energy and gladness. You are such a bright shining light. And here's why:

Emotionally, you are a lot like your mom, you feel a lot, a lot of the time. You are sad when others are sad, especially when it comes to Eli and me. I'm going to tell you right now, feeling so much is hard! Your emotions can change at a drop of a hat and people will wonder why, but kiddo, without feelings what is this life? Be true to this two and three year old you that feels so much and don't change! I love all the ups and downs you bring our family!

This year when we brought home your little brother you were a little weary of him, but you were gentle. In fact, the first time you met him you touched him with just one finger. Once you realized he was here to stay, you decided that you didn't need to be as soft and you decided you needed a little more attention. I remember being upstairs getting dressed when I heard a bang then Eli scream, but the scream was muted, so I ran down as fast as I could to find that you had tipped him out of his bouncy chair (he was now on the floor) and taken his place! Still, when you hurt Eli, whether on accident or on purpose, it genuinely scares you and many times I end up comforting you long after Eli is done crying.

You often call Eli "your baby." When I'm having a rough time you've been known to say "don't worry, I'll take care of you, my princess." You are true to your family. I think your greatest fear is being left behind or being trapped. You never want to be without us, which is sweet. Also, if I forget to include one of the family members in say, pat-a-cake, you'll make sure to correct me and tell me who I forgot! "No, Mommy, put it in the oven for Daddy, too!"

At the beginning of your year, you amazed everyone by memorizing several 50 or so page books about cars, trucks, planes, tractors, etc. Your little mind is sharp. Partly due to your age, but partly, I think, because you are you, you absorb everything. Your vocabulary is much, much more advanced than your peers. At 2.5 you were saying sentences like "I'd prefer the transportation place mat, please, Mommy," and "May I, can I have the cow's milk, please."

You love to watch shows. Now, we don't have cable or TV channels currently, but we rent movies for you from the library. Your favorites are Thomas the Tank Engine and Bob the Builder. In fact, you had a Bob the Builder cake for your birthday. With the arrival of your brother I seem to find myself putting you in front of the tube more than I like, but in some ways, it's so much sweeter when we get time together just the two of us. You like me to read to you, or let you fix me, sometimes with a hammer, sometimes I just need a shot. We play games, sometimes you just love a good cuddle, "Cuddle, cuddle, cuddle," you'll say.

Speaking of cuddle, in September you climbed up the air conditioning fan, fell off onto the cement and broke your arm. For our first trip to urgent care you were diagnosed with a nurse maids elbow. Then two days later, when you aren't getting better and only want to cuddle, we go back to the doctor to discover you have a fracture in your humerus, I wasn't laughing! It took 8 HOURS to get everything sorted and a yellow cast on your arm! When it was time to have the cast taken off you were so brave, even more so than some of the older kids at the hospital! But then you missed having it and still told complete strangers about your ordeal and about your yellow, then orange cast!

You've always been musical, but this year you were able to start memorizing the tunes and words to songs. You and I have been know to sing duets to Eli. I love it! Your voice is precious and when you sing it makes everyone in the room smile. You started a one day a week preschool program this year and it seems you love singing time, followed by art time, and of course outside time! Oh, and the dancing. You received a keyboard for your 2nd birthday and you love to put it on disco mode and run circles around the couch! You'll run and run and run! You've recently started spinning, too. You'll spin until you fall down. Sometimes at restaurants we'll ask you to sit down, to which you'll reply "I'm just dancing!" It's hard to resist your charm!

You don't have a favorite color, the other day it was pink in fact, but it's always changing. You like to eat food some of the time, particularly french fries, chicken nuggets, barbecue sauce and ketchup, and any kind of fruit. But, you only like to eat some of the time.

You're mostly sweet and always cute. You are my angel and I love you so much! Happy birthday my dear!

XOXO,

Mom

Brothers

Aren't these boys the cutest?

XOXO,

Aspen

Blogging Hiatus - Part 3

8-21-10: We took a trip up to Irvine today. It doesn't sound like much, I mean, you never hear people say "Hey man, let's go to Irvine," but we made the drive and had a good time. I didn't know it at the time but this trip was the inaugural trip of what turned out to be our "Explore Southern California" fall. Our first destination was a great Vietnamese coffee shop and bakery that had been recently highlighted in Sunset magazine. The coffee was apparently from Vietnam but the baked goods, boy howdy, they were reminiscent of a French patisserie and man were they good. The scene was controlled chaos with a worker standing at the door only letting folks in when others filled out. Once inside we grabbed a tray and then grabbed our pastry selections and placed it directly onto our tray. Then at the cash wrap we handed over the cash and they wrapped up the tasty treats. As we exited others were allowed inside. It was almost like a bazaar flooded with people out for sweets, but so much fun! We then hit Irvine Spectrum center where we promptly purchased shoes for Emron, since, apparently, you lose more and more of your mind with subsequent children, and we left Emron's shoes at home in San Diego. After the shoe shopping we wandered and window shopped. Emron and Murry rode a train around the shopping center. That was it, then we ate some more food and headed back down south.

8-29-10: Zoo day!

9-9-10: Emron's first day of school. Over the summer I decided to put the big guy in a Mother's Day Out program at one of the local Christian pre-schools and today was the first day! Emron looked so big in his preschool shirt carrying his Thomas and Friends backpack. Dani, Gunnar and Davan are due to arrive right around the time Emron is let out of school. We are in store for a fun weekend!

9-11-10: We had lots of fun hanging with the "Pink Girl" and her family. Emron never really learned Uncle Gunnar or Auntie Dani, but the Pink Girl, no problem! Davan and Emron played together surprisingly well. Next family visit kicks off in five days when Lori and Neal are slated to arrive.

9-24-10: Well, Lori and Neal are gone and while we had a WONDERFUL visit I have to say I am not entirely pleased with the jinx Lori placed on us. You see, just as everyone was getting packed up to go to the airport Lori says something along the lines of "We've been so lucky, not one of our grandkids has broken a bone." Wouldn't you believe that very night Emron decided to throw his little body off the air conditioning fan on our patio and lands all wonky on his arm breaking it. And, wouldn't you know, the urgent care doc misdiagnosed the injury so Emron walks around (okay, so he was more laying around than walking around) with a broken arm for two days. Eight hours later after x-rays, blood work and more x-rays, Emron picks out a yellow cast and we finally get to leave the hospital and go home!

9-26-10: Palomar Observeratory.

10-2-10: La Brea Tar Pits and Los Angeles Metropolitan Museum of Art.

10-9-10: Apple picking at Raven Hill Orchard.

10-11-10: Mission San Juan Capsitrano.

10-16-10: Hollywood!

10-25-10: Martin, Jen, Monique and Blaine are here, albeit, 24 hours sooner than we planned, but they are here! Hooray!

11-2-10: Streetman trip synopsis: Zoo, Sea World, food, food, Birch Aquarium, food, rain, rain, more rain, beach in the rain, more food, more rain. It's a sad day here in San Diego, Murr is back at work, Streetman's have left and it's still raining! We had such a wonderful time with you guys and love you so much!

12-16-10: Today we arrived in Denver! Martin picked us up at the airport. As soon as Emron stepped outside he started backing up toward the airport entrance saying "So cold, so cold!" We grabbed lunch at Heidi's and so far the trip is off to a great start!

12-24-10: Tired! Our trip was fun and now it's time to get ready for the holiday. I have nothing in my fridge and have no idea what we'll eat for Christmas breakfast, but the gifts are set out and it's time for bed.

12-31-10: What a year. I am so thankful for this sweet little family.

Blogging Hiatus - Part 2

And so it continues:

4-27-10: I heard the baby cry and I remember the anesthesiologists... well for lack of a better word, yell at the pediatric doctors to get baby boy to the operating table so I could see him, but I didn't get to see him, I was under general anesthesia, all went dark, but I knew my baby was okay. I woke up hours later in the PACU, the post anesthesia care unit, I could not move. My arms were immobile due to the needles placed in each one at the elbow, my legs were immobile due to the epidural and due to the fact that balloon catheters were placed in the arteries supplying blood to my uterus, which was now gone. I had been cut open from pubic bone to a few inches above my naval...

4-28-10: It's my anniversary. My nurse braided my hair because it was making me itch. I still haven't been to the NICU to see baby boy, he still doesn't have a name. I feel like I am willing my body to heal. I'm not one to meditate but I visualize my insides moving back to where they belong. I picture my incision fading away. But truthfully, not only am I physically unable to look at my incision, I am terrified to see what has been done to me. Murry visits with pictures of our little one, who is doing well.

4-29-10: It took me 36 hours but I am finally able to see baby boy who is now called Eli.

5-1-10: My discharge from the hospital is bittersweet. I am so happy to be going home to my Emron and my Murry, and let's face it, my bed. But I am leaving little Eli alone in the hospital, and I know better than most that there's really no place worse than hospitals, except maybe prison...

5-21-10: I've lost count of the number of discharge dates that have come and gone but today is the day that I've been dreaming of and praying for: Eli is coming home! If I were still pregnant I would be 38 weeks into my pregnancy, but I'm not and Eli has been with us, though not in our home, for four weeks. I most excited to not have to split my time between home and the hospital, or another way to look at it, between Emron and Eli with 80 minutes of drive time sandwiched in the middle. I cannot thank my friends and family enough, especially Emily, for helping with meals, cleaning and taking care of my big boy.

5-24-10: Because Murry has taken so much time off prior to Eli coming home, he's at work while I negotiate two little ones at the doctors office. I leave feeling like a super mom, a feeling that I'll soon learn only comes a goes!

6-29-10: Eli is getting bigger and bigger, and cuter and cuter! Emron loves his little brother... We still are sleeping, if you can call it sleeping, on pins and needles, listening for little Eli noises. Knowing he's my last little one makes me eat up our precious moments with a fervor I didn't know I had. Sweet, sweet Emron is on constant guard making sure my tummy doesn't hurt. He asks almost daily if I need to go back to the hospital. He tells me the doctors will make it better, I tell him it is better, but my heart still hurts when I think about my infertility.

7-15-10: It's my birthday! This is the first year I feel really old. The events of the last year still weigh heavily on me but I am so thankful to be home, with Eli. Everyone is healthy and happy and I love my little family of four. I also love being the princess of the house, because with a home full of boys, I'll always be the princess! Murry and I are able to go out for dinner without the boys for my birthday. It's a good break since adjusting to two little guys has been harder than I expected!

Blogging Hiatus - Part 1

The words for this post have been bumping around in my head for some time now but when I sit down to write the words are lost and it doesn't come out the way I want. So I continue to postpone my re-entry to the blogging world, but not today. With the house clean and the boys asleep it's time and lets face it reviewing the last year will probably do more good than harm. So I conclude this paragraph to give you excerpts from the last year had I written during that time:

1-19-10: Doctors appointment today, follow up on some irregularities from our gender ultrasound. After two and a half hours on the table I'm taken to the "counseling room" where it's revealed I have a condition called placenta acreta and it's one of the worst cases the doctor has seen. The only way to insure a safe delivery for me and our baby boy is to do a c-section followed by a hysterectomy. Sobs well up from the deepest crevasses of my soul. I'm only 26. I'm a good mom. I'm statistically very unlikely to be issued this sentence, for that's what it feels like, a life changing sentence. And what about the baby, my last baby...

2-5-10: We've found a new place to live, woohoo!

2-10-10: I meet with my new doctor, my high risk pregnancy doctor and I like him. His British accent is the most noteworthy thing about him, that and the fact that he is one of the nations foremost experts on my condition. Baby boy is going to have to be delivered six weeks early and will almost certainly spend some time in the NICU. My surgery will be pretty intense but Dr. Hull knows exactly what he's doing. I apologize to Murry for not being able to give him a daughter though I know I am grieving more than he is.

3-17-10: My heart is still so full and tears come quickly when I think about baby boy and about me and about the risk we both face. But today is a day for Emron -- two years old! Where has the time gone. Emron is so sweet, so smart and so caring. It's hard to believe how much he's grown.

4-4-10: Easter morning and there are no eggs hidden, no visits from the Easter bunny. Instead I've landed myself in the hospital and it looks like I'll have to be monitored for the remainder of the week. Baby boy is only 31 weeks, a few weeks past the age of viability, but if we needed to deliver he would be in great risk. Emron was woken up at 5 this morning and picked up by a friend. I wonder what he thinks about this. I hope he's okay.

4-6-10: I want to go home. I miss my Emron, my Murry. The hospital has to be one of the worst places to be.

4-7-10: I didn't plan on celebrating Murry's birthday in the hospital. Thank goodness for friends! Luis and Irma brought in a card for me to sign and best of all, carrot cake for us to eat! Emron thought it was the best day ever, he had Taco Bell for lunch, since mommy was in the hospital, and cake for dinner. What a score! The day would have been much better if a discharge date was looming, but for now we just wait.

4-9-10: Today I get to go home and the arrival of family is right around the corner. Monique is coming, Lori is coming, Jen is coming. I'm determined to make it 34 weeks; to get baby boy here as safely as possible. I still feel an ache deep inside when I think about the outcome of the birth. Yes, I'll be gaining a baby but he'll be the last baby I'll ever have. However, I've decided to concentrate on staying out of the hospital and keeping our littlest one out of harms way.

4-15-10: Back in the hospital, I'll be here for the duration. My surgery is scheduled for the 27th, I guess I'll have about five days to recovery then what... I don't know how the baby will be doing, but hopefully we'll be done with this pregnancy and this place soon.

4-17-10: Emron brought me Puppy Doggy to sleep with while I'm at the hospital. He asks me every time he visits if I am coming home with him. We have to explain over and over that my tummy hurts but that it will be better soon. Emron enjoys listening to baby boy's heartbeat on the monitor. He mimics the lub dub sounds and it makes him giggle. I miss that boy. His world has been turned upside down but he seems to be coping well. I can't wait to sleep in my own bed in my own home with my Murry and my Emron close by.

4-26-10: Tomorrow is the big day. If I'm honest with myself I know I am afraid for my life. The doctors have given the impression time and time again that baby will be fine but that I am in grave danger. I've signed a release that releases the hospital and it's staff from any liability if I die. I've signed paperwork that details what I want done with my remains and denotes who will make decisions for me if I become unable. This is not light stuff. Murry is staying the night with me and I find myself clinging on to him praying it won't be the last time I see him. I try to play strong, but I am scared...